My New Blog

Boy, are we in trouble!  Americans have never been in such peril since the signing of the Constitution--except for Native Americans, who didn't stand a chance.  Now, the rest of us--except for the extremely wealthy--don't stand a chance, either.

Between fighting wars over political philosophy, natural resources, anti-terrorism, land ownership, etc. we've had precious little political will to be FOR anything, instead of AGAINST so much.

I will lose my home as a result of the current fiscal crisis in America.  I'm resigned to that.  I may not be able to find a place to rent because 1.  I don't have a living-wage job--although I work 40 hours a week and had to get special education and training and a license to dispense prescriptions--so I simply can't afford even the lowest rent I can find.  My take-home pay is $1500/month--$1500 more than I've made most months lately!  One should not pay more than 1/3 of one's income on housing--so my rent should be maxed at $500/month.  The only places with rent even approaching that level is low-income housing--and my $1500/month is too much for me to qualify.  2. I have a beloved dog, Truffles a 12 lb pomerian, and Bob, a 15 lb cat.  Landlords don't like pets, because so many renters allow their pets to trash their homes.  Forget those of us who actually have and exhibit pride of place.  3.  Landlords run a credit check and....I also will not be able to pay back the vast majority of the money I have borrowed, fully intending to repay.  I'm not so resigned to that, but I must someday accept reality. 

I may not get a decent job, because part of the typical "background search" on new job applicants includes a credit check.  Although I was 100% current on all my bills (with the exception of my daughter's student loan--don't even get me started on Sallie Mae!) my credit is now lousy, because I'm soon approaching the deadly "60-day lates" benchmark for nearly all my credit accounts.  No employer wants a deadbeat for an employee.  If you can trust them to pay their bills how can you trust to do their job--or not skim funds, if the opportunity arises? 

So why am I lamenting my own personal crisis, when I've said the entire country is at risk?   Try reading "High Wire--the Precarious Financial Lives of American Families" by Peter Gosselin and you'll see that none of us except the extremely wealthy are immune to the consequences of job loss--due to any cause, mostly not the employee's fault; higher oil, utiliity, food costs; high-cost (if available) but significantly not reliable insurance; sky-rocketing health care costs; lower dollar valules; increasing unemployment at the lower to upper middle income levels; costs of credit--including for use during emergency situations, etc. 

Whoever gets elected this fall is going to fail and fail miserably, because life as we know it in America MUST fail.  There is a Tarot card called the Tower--the image associated with the card is of a castle turret being struck by lightening, splintering off and taking the inhabitants crashing to the ground with it.  It is an extremely negative card, with one very important exception--destruction of the old and no-longer-viable must happen to make way for new, more appropriate conditions to sustain life. 

So, even though we ARE definitely in trouble-and not just the US, but really the entire world--we are a global economy and climate change is also a force for change--we will come out of this debacle a cleaner, fresher, more life-affirming world.  I believe this with all my heart.  Just give us a few years.  In the meantime, "Hang on.  It's going to be a bumpy night!"

I began writing about this on my last post--yesterday--before work.  It was originally going to be just about job-hunting, but let me tell you--I HATE it when people who've known me for years look at me behind the counter with these big "I'm so sorry your life is such a pitiful mess" eyes.  MOST folks understand that sometimes, a period like I'm going through is meant to be a hammer-blow to the head, making us realize that change can be a very GOOD thing.  I've gotten complacent and rather narrow-focused while here. It's so easy to think the only place that needs fixing is our own backyard, and that once that is taken care of, the rest will take care of  itself.  However, our Own BackYard is now the entire world.  And I can't help the entire world if it costs me too much to get there--or in the case of the ferries--to get back here.  So this change--and wherever the Move takes me, is going to be good for more folks than just me.  I intend to chip in and help in whatever ways are available to me wherever I end up.

As for job hunting--Am I daft, or were there really times when employers actually let job applicants know that their applications had, in fact, been received?  Only ONE of the rather large agencies I've applied to has acknowleged the receipt of my application.  I can't tell you how that makes me feel--like my attempts to find gainful employment with a job that the institution must value, or they wouldn't fill it--is of no consequence to them, nor to me.

I've only received one rejection letter, also, so I have no idea if the position has already been filled, or if I should  continue to hold out hope that the employee-search committees are just taking their time. 

Occassionally, in my businesses, I received written inquiries from folks who were simply fishing--since I never requested nor wanted any employees--but I still took the time to give them a response.  As a salesmarketing acquaintence used to say, "I can take a "No" as graciously as a "Yes", but I can't accept a "Maybe."

I'll have more to say about this later.  Maybe.

I've been looking for gainful employment in the B'ham area since I first decided to close my business.  I've decided that I really need some financial security for a while, so I want a definitive amount each month, and as many medical benefits as I can get.  (I haven't been to a dentist, nor an eye doctor in years.  My lack of income has allowed me to qualify for WA State's Basic Health, which only costs me $17/month, but it doesn't cover either of those--or medication for my allergies, which contribute greatly to the dizziness alluded to in my last post.

I have an incredible amount of experience, most in finance or real estate and have obvioulsy a great deal of self-motivation and can do ALL aspects of office management and duties.  But so far, no one has seen fit to offer me so much as an interview.  I'll tell you where I've applied in the next post.  I have to go take my shower for work now.

Today is July 24th and I must begin getting ready to leave for work at the drugstore soon.  But I wanted to leave an update for those of you who have expressed concern that I hadn't written any more blogs:

That whole owl episode really captured my imagination, and I began to think of ways in which I was not choosing to live my life to its fullest.  My kids have railed against me for my lousy eating habits--dinner for the past month had been a bagful of micro-waved popcorn and a box of Milk Duds.  I've been eating less in quantity, which was my half-hearted attempt to loose the weight that was keeping me from being able to bend over in my jeans.  (I know, those of you who know me think of me as tiny, but I was up to nearly 125" on a 5'3" body, with admittedly tiny bones.)  I had been lamenting my weight gains for nearly 18 months, when it first started, but hadn't done anything to make any real progess on that front. 

But the owl--had I really chosen life if I wasn't making healthy nutrition decisions?  I've also had some pretty extreme episodes of vertigo since February.  I was diagnosed years back with Menier's Disease--a disturbance of the inner ear caused by too much fluid in the body.  So I had been drinking more water than ever--which caused my tissues to swell, so I was also taking diruetics--while eating very salty foods.  On July 5th--the day of the Owl--I saw an article on the web about the 10 Best Foods You're Not Eating.  It extolled the virtues of blueberries, yougart, cabbage, beets, raw pumpkin seeds, fish and several other foods. 

The next chance I got to go to the store, I purchased my supplies and  began eating turkey bacon and cottage cheese with frozen berries, including blueberries for breakfast; an apple with 1/2 salted, 1/2 unsalted sunflower seeds for lunch at the drugstore, or a grapefruit if I was eating lunch at home; and pre-packaged shredded cabbage, into which I put fresh grated beets.  While I did begin to lose weight, the vertigo continued going strong.  It's especially bad when I need to reach the top shelf at the pharmacy where customer's Rx's are in bags.  I was quite concerned that I would feint and fall backwards, toppling over all the shelves of medication in a domino effect.  So a few days ago, I resolved to cut back on my salt intake, and substitute unsweetened yougart for the cottage cheese and raw pumpkin seeds for the sunflower seeds.  Occassionally, I splurge and allow myself some canned sardines.

Today, I am 117.4" and less inclined to dizziness.  However, I can't shake my fondness for coffee--which I brew at home from 1/2 regular and 1/2 decaffineated coffee and flavor with artificially sweetened chocolate syrup.  And I still "treat myself" to a glass of instant artificially sweetened tea with raspberry flavored vodka each day.  Since coffee, chocolate and alcohol can all be diuretics, flushing fluids out without replacing any fluid, I know I'm still not doing the best I could be.  But I do feel that  I'm on the right path--and I'm waking up each morning with a vicious headache from dehydration--so I'll probably listen to my body (and my Owl) fairly soon and begin eliminating those offenders, as well.  At that  point, I'll shift to drinking solely green tea and water.

But I'm not there yet.

Today is July 5, 2008.  This AM, at about 4:10AM, I thought I heard my son from Beliingham attempting to come in the door of my home.  (He told me he'd be coming to San Juan late on the 3rd, but I hadn't heard from him.)  He was making quite a racket that sounded like he had a handful of fishing rods that were scraping against the walls of my narrow entry--unable to find the inner house door in the dark.  I called out to him, asking if he needed my help, but received no response.  Finally I got out of bed to go see what was happening.

Imagine my surprise when I got out of bed to see a shadow right against my bedroom window!  I got right up to the window and realized I was seeing an owl, very precariously attempting to perch on a nearly non-existent vinyl window ledge.  The noise I was hearing was its wing batting against the window pane--the other wing was being held in place by a relatively large-stalked flower stem!  It was still quite dark, and I couldn't tell if I was seeing a distorted (hurt?) beak, or a mouse tail hanging out the beak, or if nothing was wrong.

I was very confused, and the situation seemed quite bizarre--I couldn't understand HOW, let alone WHY this owl was managing to  stay on the window ledge.  There were plenty of more convenient perches close by.  I got my glasses on and immediately, the owl turned its  head to stare right into my eyes, all of 4 inches away.  It seemed upon closer inspection, that the beak was simply quite long and curved down.  Now I began remembering legends from movies and books regarding a superstition that owls at one's window meant a death very soon in the immediate family. 

That  idea totally spooked me, and I called my son from Bellingham (had I not heard from him because he was dead?)  and my daughter, who had gone off island to visit a friend (had she died on her way home?  Her car was having troubles when she left.)  Oh no!  I can't remember my other's son's phone number!  Wait!  Maybe it's ME!  Well, I must confess that I was extremely depressed on my birthday (June 29th)  My daughter was concerned that I might hit a real low and commit suicide.  (My dreams didn't include becoming bankrupt at 52 and having to leave my beloved San Juan Island.) 

So, perhaps the owl was meant as a harbinger of death--but for my contemplation.  Perhaps, I was being given a choice--do I choose life, or death?  I must admit that I really had to think about the choice for a few minutes, but I did decide that I'm heading for a whole new life and I don't want to miss it.

Shortly after that insight, I realized that, if the owl were injured (which seemed the only plausible explanation for that fact that it had now been sitting on my 1/16th inch-wide window "ledge" for over 15 minutes) that I had better attempt to put it where it would be safe from the predatory habits of my cat.  (The owl wasn't small, and I've never seen one fight, but I have seen what my cat can do to poor unsuspecting critters.)  I got dressed to go outside.  Sure enough, as I was going through the entryway, the cat was eating on the dryer--we have a pet door there.  I plugged up the pet door and shut the other door behind me before the cat had a chance to dart out.  As I turned the corner, the owl, who was only maybe 10 feet away, saw me, and very slowly and gracefully, showing no evidence of injury, spread its wings and glided off into the trees.

I heard from all 3 kids today.  If there are no more blogs.......

Due to my daughter's insistence, I am now working at the Friday Harbor Drug Store.  I worked here when we first moved to FH, 19 years ago June 15th. 

I think I'm supposed to be ashamed due to "how the mighty fall", but I gotta tell ya, I'm having a great time--I'm seeing folks I knew years ago, but haven't seen, because I've been holed up in my self-employment offices all by my lonesome for the last nearly 9 years. 

I had forgotten just how many people I know!   And it's been great hearing so many compliments about my role in The Music Man.   Kind of a closure of the circle. 

I'm also very happy to be listening to the folks who come for their prescriptions.  I graduated magna cum laude with a BS  in Psychology, so I'm very interested in what makes folks tick, and I've actually learned a thing or two over the years.  One:  when someone is sick or in pain or whose behaviour has been determined by chemical imbalances, that person is not going to be on his/her  best behavior--and I have NO right to take their behaviour personally.  My collegues enjoy complaining about the customers' language and behavior because they dont' know any better.  But I do.

I have been taking Rx for depression and anxiety since 9/11--and I know how nasty my behaviour was until chemicals got my mental processes under control.  I have such compassion for our customers--most of whom just need someone acting as a witness to their despair and frustration.  I am SO glad that my own emotions are no longer overwhelming me and forcing me to behave in ways that I don't respect or honor.  

So, if you come to my counter and feel the need to really bitch me out because life hasn't been kind to you, go for it.  Let me have it.  I  can take it.

I went off-island yesterday (for the first time since Thanksgiving) with a 24-year old friend of mine who was looking to buy another car.  The one he owns now is having problems with the transmission. So, he just bought his 18th car--a totally beat up Suzuki with over 225,000 miles on the engine.  It has a demolished (but still intact windshield) few of the automatic windows operate properly, there is a dent in the back that is rusting out.  One of the tires had a slow leak, the wipers are held together with electricians' tape, the radio is gone and the gear shift was cut off.  (The dealer said he was told that the former owner would steal radios from other cars and put them in this car to re-sell it to someone else.  The gear shift got in the way of easy installation, so the guy just cut it off and put the 4-wheel-drive knob on instead.  AND IT SMELLS!  It's also covered with moss and spiders and leaves and other detritus.

But my friend was SO happy.  Because he got the car for a song; knows how to fix those things that affect the car's ability to run; and he knows he'll get his money's worth out of it.  (He is a VERY handy fix-it guy.)

Last fall when one of my sons bought a car, he somehow managed to "qualify" for a $9,000 car loan, even though he is just a seasonal worker.   This was the 6th car he has owned.  The first was the family van.  It was having problems with the  battery--and he was having problems getting used to a stick shift.  That one finally gave out and is sitting in my yard.  One was given to him--it didn't even work for one week, and didn't have clear title.  It's sitting in my yard.  One his sister loaned him while she was going to school in Seattle.  He wrapped that one around a light pole while attempting to make an extreme turn in drizzle using the E-brake.  He paid $200 to get it towed off-island after it sat in my yard for 3 years.   Another was a pick-up truck he bought from a co-worker that worked OK for maybe 4 months.  It is sitting in my yard.  Another he bought from an acquaintence and was similar to his sister's car.  It worked OK for maybe 4  months.

Now, my son's new car looks great and runs great.  But he has a nearly unserviceable loan on it.  And with my own current credit issues, am I really one who can counsel him on this?

Funny thing.  I originally started this with the idea that I was going to berate my son for the expensive car and glorify the other kid for his 18th cheap car.   I guess I'm learning that I can learn from those younger than me, as long as I'm willing to keep an open mind and not think my own experience is the be-all end-all.  Life doesn't always give us clear-cut answers, does it?

I am so thankful to all of you wonderful people who have given me such gracious acknowledgement and encouragement!  

This is reminiscent of the time when so many of you wrote truly remarkable letters to the Washington State Court regarding my parenting qualities when my former husband was looking to have my two boys live with him on the east coast.

When we go through difficult times, we must accept that we are responsible for where we are, as well as where we are going.  While I don't know the answer to that question, I am confident that my exceptional friends will support me and metaphorically hold my hand. 

God bless us, everyone!

In case you came here directly, without hitting the home page first, Sound Home Loans is closed as of June 8, 2008; nearly exactly 19 years since the family first arrived here from Iowa on June 15, 1989. 

After careful consideration, my plans as of today (and certainly subject to change) is to get out from under as much debt as I can; get a job with benefits and a (gasp) PAID vacation! Probably somewhere in the Bellingham area.  Britton is there already and Katie and Colby are planning on moving there by this fall.  Gas, food, shelter, etc are just too damn expensive to justify living here in my little manufactured home that I can't afford to maintain.  It's falling apart around my ears.  And now my lawn mower has quit--so my neighbors are angry at the messy un-mown lawn.  No to mention the THREE abandoned vehicles on my property (Thanks, Colby).  My place truly looks awful and unloved.  It deserves someone who has the financial and energetic wherewithall to take care of it.

I will truly miss my pond, my fabulous water view and all my incredible friends and acquaintences--but heck, you ALL get to B'ham every once in a while and I'll let you know when I get there and where I am and how to call me and where I'm working and if I'm happy and if I've found a new guy and how the kids are working out and just every little thing you might want to know.

In the meantime, before I go--call me up at home and we'll party--it'll have to be at your expense, 'cause I am BROKE!!!!!! honey!  Have at it!

Well, it's been over a week now since the Music Man's final show.  We sold more tickets for this production than any other since records have been kept at the theater--nearly 2000--not bad at all for a community with a population maybe 4 or 5 times that!

Many people came to see it several times--sure, some had family members or friends, but often, these were just folks who enjoyed having a really great, fun, and yes, exciting time.

When I can (IF I can) I'll see if I can't add a video of one of my songs to You-Tube.  Got anything special you'd like to hear?